be open

My intention in class on Sunday was about having and maintaining an open heart. Being young and naive leads most of us to naturally have open hearts and be open to new experiences. To jump right into new things without thought of the consequences. As time and years pass, we suffer pain, heartbreak, disappointment, and embarrassment...repeatedly. It is only natural, after suffering so many painful repercussions of putting oneself out there, that we being to close ourselves off  in the name of self preservation. People become jaded, cynical, and guarded.

To feel pain means that we are present in the now. I would much rather know I was open to something, and had a great time while it lasted, than to have closed myself off to it and never experienced that. I just watched the movie "He's Just Not That Into You." I love what Ginnifer Goodwin's character Gigi tells Justin Long's Alex after he spurns her advances and almost demonizes her for her ability to create something out of nothing. She tells him that she would much rather remain hopeful, even if it caused her embarrassment and pain, than be closed off and jaded like he is. She puts herself out there while he isn't open to anything. Alex does prevent himself from getting hurt, yes. But the only way to get anything worth having is to put yourself out there. Gigi realizes she's doing just that. She stops trying to change herself to get the guy. She becomes happy with herself. This is the key...becoming happy with ourselves first and foremost. Not relying on someone or something else to make us happy.

Objectively, it seems a terrible cycle. Open up, get hurt, sulk and cry and eat ice cream, heal, open up again. However, to experience each and every one of those steps, to feel pain, is to experience life. To be present in the current moment, no matter what that moment holds for you. Let's be honest...it sucks to be hurt and feel pain. To feel like an idiot. But, even in the midst of feeling like an idiot, I would still much rather maintain my openness and vulnerability. I have to believe that "it," whatever "it" might be for me, will happen when I am the happiest with myself and the most open to any and all new experiences. The ups and downs remind us we are human and we are alive (versus a flat line: beeeeeeeeep). The downs make the ups seem all the more amazing. Facing disappointment after disappointment is...hard. (Talk about understatement.) To react to that by building up a guard isn't strength. It's fear. To accept and experience the pain, and then welcome the next experience with an open heart is pure strength.


ps, Destiny's Child's "Survivor" just came on my iTunes. Love it.

Svadhisthana in Buenos Aires

Dancer's pose in the Recoleta Cemetery

Last tango class with my instructor

In the fall, I was lucky enough to participate in a my first yoga retreat. And I chose a yoga tango retreat in Buenos Aires with Ashley Turner. In one word, it was fantástico! It was two weeks (I stayed on an extra week after the retreat ended) filled with yoga, dancing, speaking Spanish, and drinking wine. By Ashley's own words, it was an unusual retreat due to the fact that we stayed at a hotel in the heart of the city and balanced our yoga practice with drinking wine, eating meat, and being out-and-about in the hustle and bustle of BA. We started our days with a morning rooftop practice, not too early mind you. Argentineans have a very different perspective of what a late night entails. Our afternoons were filled with some individual site seeing, tango classes, and a dinner or tango dancing outing. Pretty great, right?

I was definitely looking forward to classes with the great yogini, Ashley. I was also looking forward to the tango immersion. I'd had a couple of lessons in Spanish classes in high school, so I knew the basic step and already loved it. However, that proved to not even be the tip of the iceberg. My biggest problem in the tango classes, which Andrés continued to harp on me about, was letting go of control. In tango, the male partner is supposed to lead and the woman is supposed to follow. I thought it would be easy-peasy; he has to do all the work. Not. At. All.

As the week proceeded, we discovered how hard it is to give up control to the guy. We also discovered how much this relates to the experience on the mat. As the female in tango, if you fight where your partner is trying to take you, it turns into a mess on the dance floor. I usually stepped on his foot. On the mat, if you fight against your breath, the asana poses, your body's limitations, and your body's sensations, you're not in the present moment. We need to allow the breath to lead us, to feel rather than think. This was the theme of our retreat: allowing ourselves to stop overthinking and rely more on our senses, to find the strength to surrender to the experience of the present moment. And to indulge.